I can only kill Mortals

So for all the fascination an revelation about me in Mythology, there is one glaring shortcoming oft overlooked by scholars: It is thousands of years out of date. I've done so much since then, but more or less fell out of vogue when I came for everyone that knew and wrote about me. And so it that I've become abstracted in many poems since then, many new images invented etc. One thing I will not stand for are the anime interpretations of myself. The problem is these so-called artists have no life for me to take. I am not as all powerful as the pussies in society would have you believe.

Anyways, to point out the highlights since greek mythology left off, I am currently dating Jane Austen. We've been seeing each other since 1817 when I first met her. We "hit it off" and have been happy ever since. The reason I mention this stems from a gentleman's debate I had with a good fellow of mine at Kenny's Castaway in the West Village of New York. The result of this debate revealed an alarming fact that in today's present world: not every girl has read my lady's Pride and Prejudice. It immediatley became clear why so many relationships and marriages are unsuccessful. How will a lady know how to mind herself if she has neglected the proper instruction?

I asked Jane what she thought of it the other night while we stayed at the Charlotte Omni, and she lamented with her usual wit "If only you could kill poor taste as well". Indeed. I can only take human life, and even then I am more of an usher as it were. But oh, if I could but slay the more abstract vices of mortals like negligence to enrich their minds in the pursuit of happiness, maybe they wouldn't weep, whine, plead and moan whenever it is I drop by.

Scared Shitless

I decided for the hell of it (ha ha ha) to start a blog that I might be better understood. Here goes:

Today was a slow day so I decided to answer a question that had been plaguing me for some time: Can you really scare a person shitless if they've already taken a shit? I figured since I can be a scary fellow in my many forms and manifestations I'd put this to the test.

So I manifested in the men's bathroom of a Loews Hotel chain where a gentlemen was by himself taking a shit. I waited patiently until he was content that he had moved from his bowels all that was there to evacuate and exit the stall. As he was washing his hands I appeared behind him in my more familiar form of black robe and scythe, though with the added touch of blackened wings.

He promptly shat himself. Indeed, the sphincters of the colon are not as efficient as they could be and apparently need some encouragement.

With my question answered, I was able to return to my summer dwelling atop the New York Times building and check one more thing off my list curiosities.